Funnsheiße!

Some Superissimo may or may not be at liberty to pontificate on the frustrations of high-end bicycle repair, but, like whatevlich.  Nowadays, the most en-vogue way to tickle/tackle this topic would be an open letter, but the Superissimo way is to buck trends and throw bottles.  This one’s a direct letter to some Alpha-hole named Dennis, which keeps it from looking like an open letter.  Superissimo magique.

Dennis,

Dammit.  Dammit.  You have come to me time and time again with that dead level seal of misery sewn through your pupils, bike in hand, crying like a child.  You roll into the parking lot with the frozen resolve of an East German in your Kadillach Eskaladen, your face a billboard of fraternal defeat.  Your life has become difficult, thanks to your bike, and I don’t like that.

Stop fucking up the party, Dennis.  It’s bikes.  It’s a bike shop, and at least the back half of it is a dedicated party zone.  The guy that used to work on your bike was rolled up in a carpet and taken sailing.  I know we said he’s at Barnett’s getting his firmware upgraded so he can help you fumble through the data of your last miserable CAT4 tempo ride.  We told you that because it was 7:45 and we were more interested in opening beers than files.

Dennis, you don’t have speed wobbles.  That’s Elmer’s glue.  Poncho put that in your tube because you wouldn’t talk to him the last time you were in the shop.  Talk to Poncho, Dennis.  He’s rad, and though it does look like he might possibly be 10% not-western-eurpoean, he’s a respectable, accomplished dude and like the rest of us, he is well capable of wiping down your BMC and telling you that he overhauled the whole thing and finally found that 4th rotation (after shift) pedal creak you made mention of while in the 53/28.  I know, strange, right?  We’ll print up the diagnostics for you.

Dennis, you know what?  Screw it.  Go home and pack up.  We’re going riding tomorrow.  Drink some a bucket of chianti tonight, and meet us here at the shop at zero 6.  Wear something shitty – not the Assos.  Things are going to get gnarly.  After a group system reboot (finger in the throat), we’re doing some intervals starting straight out the lot.  After that, we’re going to talk shit on you to your face, tell you we love you, and spend the rest of the ride waving at all the people you never used to wave at.  You’ll become one of us, Dennis.  It’s not hard, but you will use muscles you never knew you had.

We’re unveiling the biggest road cycling innovation since the employee purchase – FUN.  You’re invited, too, Dennis.

Love,

The Superissimo.